hey guys !

i'm cautiously slipping out of my art block!

if you have any requests, then comment below!

i'm bummed because deviantart feels like a ghost town

lol yeah i never come here anymore :C even though technically it's my homepage and i do kind of lurk around but

yeah

it kind of depresses me and there are a bunch of people from the old days who are nearly non existent now

which i understand; people get busy!! me too!!

in other news, i'm getting chest reconstruction surgery a week from monday

which should be greatttt D: i'm going to...well, a few states over to get it done just to make sure they do a good job, so i'll probably leave this wednesday or thursday. joy.

um i'll be in recovery for a while and i probably won't even be back at home until early or mid december

which is scary, especially since i was scarred from nasty hospital experiences over the summer

but

i don't know i'm not really that scared right now

what happens happens, right? C:

hopefully i'll post a couple of actual pieces of art before i leave

but yah. i'll talk to you guys soon..

<333

i'm 16 today!

YAY!

(what was that)

seems like i only ever stop by here to update my journal entries every month or so. hm.

i will submit more art, i will!!! i'm just pretty swamped by schoolwork and sickness.

in other news: i'm about to turn 16! AHH!

on october 14th!! i'm pretty excited, actually.

i'm not having a party or anything, though. a strange twist of events.

i'm probably just going to order in with the family and watch some dvds in bed. C: no car, no drivers license.

i'll turn 16 the way i've always done things: just slip into it quietly and inconspicuously! (although sometimes i do things with a loud crash and tons of noise and stuff...but nah.)

alright. i'd better go and do some latin translations. hmph..

i miss all of you guyss ;_; <333

No just kidding. NCIS in the background makes me a tad crazy. ;o;

So I'm just getting more and more nervous about school. I'm barely getting through lounging around at home, and I don't know how I feel about my dad's freaky diagnosis.

Since I got pneumonia in Korea, I've been having trouble breathing. It went away, but by the second hospital stay, it's pretty much been around for the last two months. It feels like someone's sitting on my chest and pushing all the air out of my lungs. Anyways, I asked my dad about this, and we had a ton of tests done. He thinks I have this strange thing called vocal cord dyskinesia?? Lol idk. Apparently, you know how some people, when they get stressed out or anxious, they get headaches? Migraines, or things along those lines? Well some people who have this, when they get stressed, their vocal cords physically close, making it hard to inhale...

lol when i think about it too much, i'm split between wanting to laugh about it, and wanting to cry. I'm going to get more tests and stuff, but so far, everything is pointing in that direction.

I don't know.......my parents were considering, i mean seriously considering homeschooling this summer. And I was surprised at how much this freaked me out. I begged them and they're going to let me go to school for a month or two, to see if I don't like....die?

Sometimes, I think they're just overreacting, which usually, they are. But it's day to day. Since I've been home, there have been days that I felt great, went to the mall, and didn't have any problems. But then, most of the time, I've been just worrying and worrying because my breathing is bad, or I have pain in my chest, or etc. Ha, you'd think something really traumatic happened to me in Korea...

I used to stick my nose up at people who got anxiety over little things. In my eye, something really bad had to have happened to them to make them that way. Lol I was a pretty stuck up kid. Well now I see that it doesn't necessarily have to be something like physical or sexual abuse (which is horrible no doubt); it could be something as simple and horrific as being in a helpless situation under really bad circumstances.

So I'm just waiting for my parents to start thinking about therapists. Because honestly, I just want to get better. I'm really sick of being all mopey and anxious and afraid.

I think one reason why I'm feeling especially bad today is because Betty came home this morning. She's still in a lot of pain. She's staying in the garage for now because she's too weak to move. I don't know, I guess it stirred up a lot of emotions watching her look up at me with those defeated eyes. It didn't exactly hit home for me; I've been numbing myself a bit to deal with everything. I mean, she's my dog, I love her, and she's sick. But it's not like I had an anxiety attack right there. No, it was because when she tried to stand up, she kept on spitting up (sorry for the imagery) and whining and she's like...confined to her bed because if she moves, she'll be sick. That feeling just kind of set something off in me that has made my breathing really bad tonight.

URAGHH.

I guess what really bothers me right now is not so much the things that are making me anxious (my judgmental, power-hungry aunt, Betty's health, the pressure to not only go to school and be healthy, but to excel, etc.). It's the fact that all these things are affecting me so much. Does that make sense?

Part of me just wants to rant and rant forever, but another part of me just wants to tell that part of me to shut up.

AHHHHHH Okay I think that's enough for today. a;lsdkfjlksjf I guess all that I can do is keep my chin up and hold onto the people that love me...

/rant

Sorry for the rant guys ;o; I've been keeping a lot of stuff in the past few months...

And one little spooky tidbit: there are exactly 6 - count em, 6 - both scary and amusing pictures drawn by one hanging on my walls, in this room, right now. Thanks a lot, Mira. <3

(sorry again. i honestly don't expect anyone to have read all that, and i don't blame you. <333333)