As far as my life goes, I'm in a sorta bad place right now. I'm so used to being able to self-analyze and figure out what is bothering me/how to fix any problems I happen to have, that I'm unpleasantly surprised by how difficult it is to simply...keep a conversation or remember the simplest details. It's like my brain has been slowly dozing off to sleep.

I have a feeling that I'm depressed; I knew for a fact that I was in Korea, as I was in a helpless situation and my emotions could be clearly read as rooting from feelings of depression (?). I don't feel as hopeless, lost, and disturbed as I was then, but to a degree, those feelings are still with me. I suppose more than anything, I'm sick of constantly being in some kind of pain (abdominal pains, pain from the surgery, etc.), and I'm sick of being cooped up in this house. But I guess, more than anything, I'm sick of being cooped up in this serious mistake for a body. Sometimes I wish I could exchange it for a working model. One that didn't break down every 10 yards.

/sigh

Part of me feels like I'm always complaining and whining and talking about my problems, but another part of me feels so...unsatisfied. Like these problems are still so unresolved, no matter how much I talk about them.

/sigh again

As far as other things, I'm feeling crappy about a) school (way behind...can't even think about it and I need to start homeschooling and ahh), b) my friends (i always feel like i'm lying to them when i talk to them...idk why), c) my family (i feel bad for constantly ragging on my parents for nothing), d) etc. etc.

I guess this whole mixture of things could explain my writer's and art block, too. :C

Here's to hoping for a better year. c: Things can only go up from here!

It's officially Christmas Day!! I'm so excited. I hope I can fall asleep!!

Apparently, my mom got me a ton of little trinkets that I'm going to love this year, but I realized something when she asked me to write up a list of things I wanted: I've already got everything I could have asked for. I have the greatest parents, around whom I can be both goofy and emotional while feeling comfortable, understanding, true friends, a house to live in, food to eat (kind of), two wacky dogs, too many journals at my dispense, and a lot of other things that I'm sure I don't deserve.

My dad always says that no one is perfectly made. We've all got something to be proud of, but we've all got our faults. I know, it sounds generic and overused, but the way he explains it makes it sound like...it's not my fault that I have crummy health. We can't have everything that we want. And even though his cheerful lectures make me a little bit more optimistic, at the end of the day, I know I'd trade almost anything for a better body. You know, in terms of health?

At the same time, I'm thankful that, sure, I've been through the ringer when it comes to seemingly random medical issues, but it could be worse. It could be much worse for me. And I like to think that this is a temporary thing. One of those "I was unhealthy as a child, but now I'm a-okay!" deals.

Sorry if this has come off as a little preachy, guys. I haven't really journaled in a while and a lot has been happening to me.

In terms of life in general...things are going well. My dad recently had surgery, but it was a minor procedure and he's pretty much back to his old self. My grandparents are in town and come by every few days. C: My mom is busy as ever, and it hurts me heart when I hear her complain everyday about her hands. I think if I could wish for anything, it would be health for both me and my mom. It's true - it hurts your loved ones as well as yourself when you're in pain. I haven't seen any of my friends, save one who dropped by and gave me cupcakes , in a really long time. Oh, a little more than two months now? I think? Seeing as how I'm such a homebody and so used to being at home just with my parents, I would be lying if I said that I thought about my friends all the time. But I do miss them.

Part of me is scared that when I see them again, things will be so different that I won't recognize my surroundings. But that's more of life, I guess. Accepting change. Blegh.

C: Wow. There's a lot I needed to get off my chest. -whew-

Also I tried taking off my steri-strips in the shower tonight, and I got freaked out. The stitches or whatever...they were like, black. I couldn't tell if it was dried blood or the actual stitches, but I don't care to find out. I'll just wait until they come off by themselves.

In other news.............................yeah. Not much more to report.

OH I got my parents ipods for christmas! An iPod Touch for my mom because she likes gadgets with different features, and the Classic for my dad, since he likes to pride himself as a tech pro but actually gets easily irritated by complicated devices. A few years ago, I might have thought I was totally crazy for spending all of my birthday money on my parents' Christmas presents, but...it feels really good. I guess it's a very small way of thanking them for supporting me these past few months.

Okay. I think I'd better go back to my traditional journal and let loose a little more of this pent up writing energy. C: I really miss being on here more often, I miss all my dA friends who I feel like I have lost touch with, and I especially miss the thrill of drawing. New Year's Resolution? To fight art block with all of my heart! <3

Happy Holidays, everyone! I hope you're with loved ones, surrounded by love and food and fun. C:

I have a lot of nicknames, now that I think about it. None that my friends really use...some insist on calling me things like Xandra or Alexxx with three X's.

But at home, my dad has been calling me pumpkin since I was born, and my mom pretty much calls me anything that she finds cute sounding in Korean. At one point she just called me puppy. Puppy! In English!!

Another time there was Squirelly, which anyone else would find kind of offensive, but I didn't mind. I believe there was kitty, cat in Korean, bunny, rabbit in Korean...the list goes on and on.

I think it would be kind of awkward for kids at school to call me animal names, you know?

Now she calls me acorn in Korean, which would be pronounced...I guess...well, I suppose most of you have heard of Totoro? Well, it's pronounced like that except it's more like Totori. Like toh toh rhee. and you roll the r more.

I like hearing people who don't speak Korean try to pronounce Korean words. C: It's fun, and sometimes I'm surprised by how fast they catch on. <3

idk. this is a random journal. I just felt like ranting about nicknames and how they can range so far from your name that...when someone calls you by your real name, it takes you a minute to realize, "Oh. That's me."

C:

Well, till next time, guys.

(Oh, and I'm recovering bit by bit everyday. Thanks for the love<3 )

This quiz! From !

Let's see how innocent/naughty I've been....
(these quizzes are always bogus though LOL)

[ ] smoked
[x] consumed alcohol (does a sip when I was 3 count?)
[x] slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex
[x] slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex
[ ] kissed someone of the same sex
[ ] had sex
[x] had someone in your room other than family (uhh...how is that...questionable..?)
[ ] watched porn
[ ] bought porn
[ ] tried drugs

TOTAL: 4

[x] taken painkillers
[ ] taken someone else's prescription medicine
[x] lied to your parents
[x] lied to a friend
[x] snuck out of the house (mwahahaha)
[x] done something illegal (just jaywalking...but that doesn't really count for most people)
[x] felt hurt
[x] hurt someone
[x] wished someone to die
[ ] seen someone die

TOTAL: 8

[] missed curfew (lol i have no curfew, but since i cant drive yet...i can't really...miss..curfew...)
[ ] stayed out all night
[ ] eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself
[x] been to a therapist
[ ] received a ticket
[ ] been to rehab
[x] dyed your hair
[ ] been in an accident
[x] been to a club
[ ] been to a bar

TOTAL: 2

[] been to a wild party (LOLOL bar/bat mitzvahs and other shindigs don't count.)
[ ] been to a Mardi Gras parade
[ ] drank more than three alcoholic beverages in a night
[ ] had a spring break in Florida
[x] sniffed anything (...? in what way? i'm taking all of these in the most innocent sense.)
[x] wore black nail polish
[x] wore arm bands
[x] wore t-shirts with band names
[x] listened to rap (most of it, no thanks c: )

TOTAL: 5

[x] dressed gothic (lol so SOME people...does black sweatshirt, skater shoes, black nail polish, naturally black hair, no makeup, and black jelly bracelets translate as gothic? or...punk? i just thought i looked nice c: )
[x] dressed girly
[] dressed punk
[ ] dressed grunge
[ ] stole something
[ ] been too drunk to remember anything
[ ] blacked out
[x] fainted (lol what the heck)
[x] had a crush on a neighbor

TOTAL: 4

[ ] had a crush on a friend
[ ] been to a concert
[ ] dry-humped someone; been dry humped
[ ] been called a slut
[] called someone a slut
[ ] installed speakers in a car
[ ] broken a mirror
[x] showered at someone of the opposites sex's house
[ ] brushed your teeth with someone else's toothbrush (ew ew ew)

TOTAL: 1

[ ] considered Ludacris your favorite rapper?
[x] seen an R-rated movie
[x] cruised the mall (FFFFFFFFFFFFFFF)
[ ] skipped school
[x] had surgery (how does that make you...?)
[x] had an injury
[ ] gone to court
[ ] walked out of a restaurant without paying/tipping
[x] caught something on fire
[x] lied about your age (lied and said i was 12 to get something on the kids menu. they believed me. x_x )

TOTAL: 6

[ ] owned/rented an apartment/house
[ ] broke the law in the police's presence
[ ] made out with someone who had a GF/BF
[ ] got in trouble with the police
[x] talked to a stranger
[ ] hugged a stranger
[ ] kissed a stranger
[ ] rode in the car with a stranger
[] been harassed
[] been verbally harassed

TOTAL: 1

[ ] met face-to-face with someone you met online
[x] stayed online for 5+ hours straight
[ ] talked on the phone for more than 4 hours straight
[x] watched TV for 5 hours straight (you don't want to know my record)
[x] been to a fair
[x] been called a bad influence (as a joke. ha, ha.)
[ ] drank and drove
[x] prank-called someone
[ ] laid on a couch with someone of the opposite sex
[ ] cheated on a test

TOTAL: 5

TOTAL: 36

If you have 00-10 ... write [I'm a goody-goody]
If you have 11-20 ... write [I'm still a goody-goody]
If you have 21-30 ... write [I'm average]
If you have 31-40 ... write [I'm a bad kid]
If you have 41-50 ... write [I'm a very bad influence]
If you have 51-60 ... write [I'm a horrible person]
If you have 61-70 ... write [I should be in jail]
If you have 71-80 ... write [I should be dead]
If you have 81-90 ... write [I got a ticket to Hell]

C: I'm a bad kid.

THIS MADE NO SENSE WHATSOEVER! WAHOO!!

but it was entertaining!

HI GUYS.

I made a new CSS layout! I'm obsessed with variations of blue/green/seafoam/teal lately, so...ta-da! Idk if the little creature who is currently my header will be an actual character of mine. Maybe Carr or Sloan...

Anyways! I have NOTHING new to report except that I'm recovering...and...um..on my breather whom I named Spencer the Magic Dragon (which I have to use to expand my lungs after the surgery), I hit 1500 yesterday! LOL That probs means nothing to you guys, but its over the halfway mark in its capacity. It's improvement. hehe.

UMMMMMM YUP! OKAY BYE<33

PS: I made a new trainer card (the previous one was made by miranda i love you btw) and i'm thinking about...drawing my...pokemon team....just to try to out-dork myself C: and i've always wanted to!!

i warn you...they are mostly female pokemon....

..(im a little biased)

i think its only...tangela and houndoom who are males. though houndoom may suddenly become a female overnight. idk.
um.

yes.
C:

PPS: By my next journal entry, I'll have a footer!! Promise!! C: